Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize