two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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