She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
