You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
