Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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