your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
