We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize