Who did Billy Mays play for?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
