My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
