I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
