Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
