if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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