we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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