I like my sex mixed with concussions.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
