when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So vagazzling was a success
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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