im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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