Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
