you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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