what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
