Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
