I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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