1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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