If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize