my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
