I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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