That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
