you're like a bully in the Christmas story
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
