Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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