We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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