I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
