ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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