Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
