I wish my penis had an off switch
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
