he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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