I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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