dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
