Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
