You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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