Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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