it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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