woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize