glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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