i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
