so that wasnt chicken after all
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
