thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
