I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
