I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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