guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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