Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
