I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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