I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
