You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
