I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
