so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
