I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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