i love accidental penises.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
