In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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