Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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